HEALING

Healing doesn’t happen overnight.

This is something I’m learning presently as I am coming face-to-face with some new OLD internal issues of mine. If you’ve been following me for a while now, you know that I love writing and singing about my internal struggle that has ultimately lead me to healing. To me, it’s very scary but necessary to share this vulnerable side of myself continually, because I believe we live in a society that doesn’t view sharing these things as strength. It is a very passionate goal of mine to change this mentality, because I have found myself in the past in the most isolating parts of my struggle feeling like I was DROWNING because I felt like nobody could relate or would be willing to listen. This kind of suppression is what leads to depression and sometimes, in extreme cases, suicide. As human beings, we want to be known. And even more than being known, we want to be LOVED for what it is we make known. Many of us are scared to share the reality of our struggles because we feel we will be too much to handle or looked at as “crazy.” 

While I am in the thick of pealing back this new layer of the healing onion that I like to call my life (lol), I want to share a couple of things that have been made clear to me, and I hope they can help you wherever you may be in your process right now.

1.) HEALING HURTS.

Yup.

I remember as a kid, when I would scrape my knee, my mom would pour rubbing alcohol on it to clean it out…. Well, I would scream even before she would pour anything on it, because I knew what was coming: EXTREME STINGING AND DISCOMFORT. My mom would always say, “You’re a big girl! You got this! Be brave!” She knew this cleaning process had to happen in order to heal the wound so it wouldn’t get worse. 

I think about this when I want to heal past trauma, and I stand in front of it kicking and screaming. I know I’m about to have to face a shit ton of old patterns and hurt to clean it all out so it doesn’t get worse and manifest in ways that are unnecessary. It ain’t gonna feel good! Let me say, this is something I don’t always WANT to do, necessarily, and I don’t HAVE to go through it if I don’t choose to… HOWEVER, I know it’s necessary in order to keep expanding as a human being and finding genuine happiness in this life.

2.) HEALING TAKES TIME.

This is the most frustrating part, because it doesn’t always happen in the time frame you want it to. After you cut your knee and make it through excruciating cleansing pain, you put a bandaid on it so it can heal with TIME. You don’t leave the bandaid on and forget about it! You nurture it day by day, and tend to it when it needs assistance. Otherwise, it can get infected! This is the same for any healing process, mentally or physically. 

Recently, I have been dealing with having to draw hard boundary lines with people I love where I used to never have them. This is a mental struggle for me and usually causes me a lot of guilt and blame in the process. I noticed pretty quickly that this was a significant wound that needed to be tended to because I had very specific triggers that would consistently shed a light on the problem. Once I noticed the wound, I nurtured it daily by having compassion for myself and taking care of my needs so that I didn’t feel as overwhelmed. 

It can be easy to compare yourself to others in this process and say, “Ugh, how does this person keep their cool when ______ happens! They are doing better than me!” or “I need to be more like ______! She is always so zen!” No, no, no. Have compassion for yourself, and know that soon enough you will take off your metaphorical bandaid and the cut will be gone. You just have to put in the work to make sure it stays nurtured in the process.

3.) HEALING COMES UNEXPECTEDLY 

If you’ve ever learned to play guitar, you know that it takes A LOT of practice. I love the intimate vibe of guitar picking, and the rolling of the fingers against the strings. However, this style of playing isn’t easy. In fact, when I was learning, I was pretty convinced it was impossible to learn how to play like that. My fingers and my brain just could NOT work together to get it done. I practiced for YEARS trying to get it down, and literally almost gave up. But then the weirdest thing happened: I sat down one day and I could just do it. I kid you not. It just clicked. All those years of practice worked my brain enough to finally understand it.

The other day I had a similar occurrence in my healing process. Something that has triggered me for years happened, and it passed right through me. It didn’t phase me anymore. For years, I have been nurturing it, and giving it attention, but it was still triggering me. I would feel so frustrated and was starting to believe that I would never be able to change. But then one miraculous day, it just didn’t bother me anymore. 

One day you wake up and realize that it’s ok to take the bandaid off, and let it all breathe. The healing is done. Sometimes there is still a scar, and that’s ok because a scar is like a tattoo reminding you of something important. Scars are beautiful reminders of how far you’ve come, and how strong you are. Sometimes the wound may reopen or show up in another situation, and that’s ok too. You are constantly growing and gaining knowledge to attack the problem at hand. And let me tell you, just like my mom used to tell me, “You’re a big girl (or boy)! You got this! Be brave!”

You are perfectly in process, my dear friend. Free yourself from any shame or blame in your healing process, and just do the work. There is so much beauty waiting for you on the other side! Find a friend you can confide in to listen, and let them love on you. Be ok with who you are and what you’ve been through. You are not too much. You are not too little. You are just right, and your story MATTERS! 

And so does your healing.

Please feel free to comment below and share your story!